


i don't want to deal with outside action (only you can give me satisfaction)

by blackrose1002, BlackVultures



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Dry Humping, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Medical Examination, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexting, Shaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:36:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrose1002/pseuds/blackrose1002, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVultures/pseuds/BlackVultures
Summary: He had a cheesy idea for a text to send Jack’s way, so he went inside and finds his chemistry set. He dumped a couple chemicals into a glass beaker and lit a flame underneath it to make them bubble. He snapped a picture of the reaction, then opened up his text chain with Jack. “I’m *excited* for tomorrow” he wrote, attaching the correct photo—or so he thought—before hitting send.Then he turned his phone off and plugged it in to charge near his bed before stripping out of his clothes so he could take a shower... blissfully unaware of what picture hereallysent to Jack.(Or the one where Jack is f*cked up and Mac accidentally sends him nudes.)
Relationships: Jack Dalton/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Past Desiree "Desi" Nguyen/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I thought we could all use a little cheering up and since our fix-it fic is in the process of being written, I decided to start post this! :D **It's basically what it says on the tin, with a few things you should know: Jack lives (duh), James lives, and this goes on the premise that Kovacs is a singular dude with a _very_ twisted disposition.** More tags will be added, and if there's anything nasty in a chapter I'll try to warn you in the notes. As always, any mistakes are my own and we hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Title is from "Sometimes A Fantasy" by Billy Joel, which is truly a train wreck of a song but it's technically about phone sex so it works kinda???)

Angus MacGyver had used cell phones for a lot of things in his life. To communicate, of course, and to take pictures... but also to blow things up. Right now, his phone served possibly the greatest purpose—keeping him connected to Jack Dalton. Ever since Jack got back from the Kovacs mission a month ago, he’d been... different. They’d all expected PTSD, of course, but not for Jack to put so much distance between himself and the team. Mac wasn’t even sure where he was living right now, and the only way Jack agreed to talk to any of them was via text message.

Using the word “talk” might be a little too generous, because Jack rarely replied and even when he did, his texts were short and not like any of the texts Jack used to send before he left. Mac still considered himself lucky because from what he heard from the rest of the team, he was the one that Jack texted back the most, so maybe he was making some progress. To be honest, he was worried sick and sometimes when he couldn’t sleep at night he stared at his ceiling, afraid that Jack might do something stupid, and on nights like this he barely stopped himself from asking Riley to trace Jack’s phone.

They knew Jack was in LA, he told them that much, but it was cold comfort without knowing _where_. It was a huge city with sprawling suburbs, and he could be hunkered down in any one of them. Riley had checked his credit card activity for recurring charges, but so far she hadn’t found anything—Mac wasn’t surprised, though, because Jack was probably using one of his aliases. He’d talked to Desi about it—a little awkward, talking to your ex-girlfriend about the guy you’d had a crush on for years now, but he managed—and she thought it was best to give Jack the space he wants.

Mac agreed... but it was _hard_.

Right now he was sitting outside on the deck, looking at the city and remembering how he and Jack used to hang out together by the fire, eating ridiculous amounts of pizza and drinking beer. He smiled fondly, but his smile turned sad quickly because he _missed_ Jack so much he could barely breathe. He missed him while he was gone, but somehow it was even worse now because he knew Jack was somewhere close... but it still felt like he was on another continent or something. And at that moment Mac’s phone vibrated next to his thigh.

When he glanced at the screen he saw Jack’s name above a text alert: “What are you doing?”

“Thinking about you,” Mac muttered, smiling a little despite the circumstances. He grabbed his phone and quickly typed back a response: “Pizza and beers. It’d be better with you here.” Once he sent it he kept staring at the screen, waiting for Jack to text back, feeling like a kid in high school texting with their crush. He wouldn’t know, he didn’t have a crush on anyone in high school, but that was what was usually showed books and movies.

A moment later his phone vibrated again. “What kind of pizza?”

Mac smiled again and texted back: “You’re not gonna believe it but... pineapple and ham.”

The phone rang in his hand a second later, scaring the shit out of him. “Are you high?” Jack demanded when he picked up, and his voice was... rougher and lower than usual. On the one hand it was bad, because that was what Jack usually sounded like when he was worn-down or stressed... but on the other hand it was hot as hell. “Or did you hit your head? Do you have a concussion? Why in the fuck are you eating _my_ favorite pizza?” A pause. “Am I talking to a lizard person?”

Mac couldn’t help but chuckle when he heard that, and while he was still shocked, there was a huge smile on his face because Jack _called_ him. “No lizard people, I promise,” he replied, and he knows the smile was audible in his voice. “I’m fine and so is my head, I just... started ordering your pizza a while back. Figured I’d give it another shot.” It wasn’t a lie, not exactly, but Mac decided not to tell Jack the main reason he’d been eating his pizza—that it made him feel closer to Jack when he was god knew where.

Mac couldn’t see him, obviously, but he could picture the suspicious squinting he was doing from the tone he used when he replied, “Okay, sure, I’ll buy that... for now.” They lapsed into silence for a moment, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, and Mac sipped his beer, content to wait until Jack felt ready to speak. “So how’s things at the Phoenix? I heard Taylor’s trying to change his shitbird ways. Is it working?”

“You could say that,” Mac replied after a moment. “But it seems like he genuinely wants to change.” He paused and chewed on his lower lip. “Jack, I... I remembered all the things you told me about him and what kind of person he was. And I wasn’t happy to work with him at first.” He exhaled. “I don’t want you to think that I... didn’t care about all that stuff.”

Jack went quiet for a moment, and then Mac heard familiar sounds—a refrigerator door opening, the clink of a beer bottle. He hoped that it was the first one Jack had had that evening, that he wasn’t drinking too much to kill whatever pain he was in. “You wouldn’t do that,” he said, and Mac let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Doesn’t matter how long I’ve been gone, you wouldn’t forget all the shit I taught you. Don’t think your brain is capable of that.” He sighed. “Wish mine was capable of forgettin’ some things.”

“Do you... want to talk about it?” Mac asked, carefully choosing his words. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he quickly added, not wanting to scare Jack away and make him hang up. It was the first time he’d heard Jack’s voice in way too long and he was ready to do whatever it took to keep him on the line, even if it meant ignoring Jack’s trauma... at least for now.

Jack sighed again, and Mac heard a door open and shut. The sounds of the city filtered in next, so he was definitely in LA proper—maybe he was staying in a hotel? Could he be on a balcony? “There’s part of me that wants to,” he admitted quietly, exhaling when he sat down, a chair squeaking over the line. “But there’s another part of me that doesn’t wanna dump all my shit on you... even if you’re the person I want to talk to about it, not all the damn shrinks they keep sending my way.”

Mac couldn’t help the way his heart stuttered in his chest and he swallowed hard because... even after all this time it seemed like Jack _trusted_ him. “Jack, whatever you want to talk about, I’ll listen,” he said softly, and he realized that he’d been squeezing his phone so hard it was a miracle it wasn’t breaking. “I can’t promise I’ll be able to help, but... I’ll listen. And I’ll never judge you, you know that.”

Jack hummed an acknowledgement and Mac could picture him rubbing his forehead with his free hand, maybe feeling a headache coming on. “I missed you,” he said after a moment’s pause, like he was gathering his thoughts. “I missed everybody, but now that I’m back it’s like... I had to put the guy that loves you all away for so long. And the guy that took his place... well, you don’t really wanna meet him.” A mirthless chuckle. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense.”

“No, no, you do,” Mac assured him, his chest tightening because he hated that Jack was clearly in some kind of pain. “But here’s the thing, Jack. There’s no version of you that I don’t…” _Love_ , his mind supplied helpfully, but Mac ignored it. “That I don’t care about. Besides, I’m sure the guy who loves us all is still inside you, Jack. A little lost, maybe, but he’s there.”

“I’m not so sure,” Jack whispered, his beer bottle clanking down on... something. “Sometimes it feels like I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s why I called you... I thought if I heard your voice it might... it might help.” He scratched at his stubble, which sounded like it might be long enough to be a beard. “So how’s the single life treating you?”

Mac knew a subject change when he saw—or heard—one and he decided he wasn’t going to push. He would if he was talking to Jack face to face, but right now he wasn’t about to risk him hanging up. “It’s not so bad,” he said, taking another sip of his beer. “It’s what I’m used to.” He chose not to mention how _lonely_ he felt since it had nothing to do with Desi and being single.

Despite what he might think to the contrary about himself, Jack was still Jack, and he picked up on the unspoken emotion in Mac’s voice. “Doesn’t sound like you’re having fun, hoss.”

“That’s because I’m not,” Mac replied, draining the last of his beer and pushing the pizza box away. Since he went back to work at the Phoenix he’d made sure to limit himself to one or two beers with food only—the last thing he needed was to become an alcoholic. “You could come see me, you know. I wouldn’t tell the others if that’s what you want. I hate the idea of you... dealing with whatever you’re dealing with on your own.”

“Look at us, changing subjects like pros,” Jack murmured. “I’ll... think about it, okay?”

“Sure, okay,” Mac immediately agreed since this was way more than he thought he would get from Jack. “If you... don’t want to come here, I can visit you wherever you are. Again, I promise not to tell anyone where you’re staying.”

Jack was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. “We’ll see,” he said quietly. They were both silent for a moment and then Jack asked, “So what went wrong between you and Dez? No one wanted to tell me.”

Mac swallowed hard, because this wasn’t really something he wanted to talk about... but if he expected Jack to open up to him, shouldn’t he return the favor? “Desi is amazing,” he started, picking up his mess and heading inside to put the leftover pizza away. “She’s smart, and funny, and she kicks so much ass... but we just weren’t right for each other. The only time we weren’t bickering or arguing was when we were working, and once the adrenaline kicked in...” He trailed off, his face going hot. “Well, we weren’t doing much talking.”

Jack was quiet for a moment and then he cleared his throat. “Right, okay,” he said, and it was either Mac’s imagination, or his voice sounded... strained. “That... makes sense. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Don’t be,” Mac said, leaning against his kitchen counter. “We’re better off as friends.” He paused. “At least I hope we will be once things stop being awkward between us.”

“I’m sure it’ll work out,” Jack said, and there was the barest hunt of a smile in his voice. “Nobody can stay mad at you for long. It’s like being angry at a puppy.”

“I’ll take that as a weird compliment,” Mac said, chuckling a little. He hesitated. “Getting used to being alone in the house was weird... it was nice having Riley here after her breakup with Aubrey, but since she found a new apartment it’s been... quiet. Sometimes too quiet.”

“What do you mean by that?” Jack asked, and Mac knew what he was doing—he was trying to keep Mac talking about his issues instead of talking about himself.

Despite that, Mac found himself _wanting_ to talk about it... mostly because Jack was always the only person that understood him and that Mac trusted enough to talk like that. “When things are too quiet... it’s harder to ignore what’s going on in my head,” he admitted softly. “And you know it’s a messy place.”

“Don’t tell me your aunt actually got to you,” Jack said, his tone going incredulous. “I know you and your old man barely got away from Codex in one piece, Mac, but you can’t honestly think she’s right.”

“No, I don’t, I know she isn’t,” Mac said, running his hand through his hair. “But when I think about my mom being behind File 47... I don’t know, I feel... so lost. It’s like every time I get to a point in my life where I’m comfortable, the rug gets yanked out from underneath me.”

Jack sighed. “Yeah, the universe has a habit of kicking you down way too much,” he muttered, and Mac couldn’t help but smile at the obvious disdain in Jack’s voice. “But you’ll figure it out, you always do. You should talk to someone about it, might help.”

“I’m talking to you,” Mac said softly. “That’s what always helped the most.” He swallowed hard. “I missed you too, by the way. Didn’t get a chance to say it earlier.”

Jack went quiet again, long enough that Mac would’ve worried the call had dropped except he could hear him breathing. “Maybe it’s time I come out of my hobbit cave,” he mused, and Mac tried to tamp down on any excitement he felt. “What if we do breakfast tomorrow? Maybe at that diner you like?”

“Yeah, that... that would be awesome,” Mac replied, stumbling over his words in his haste to get them out. “How’s nine o’clock sound?”

Jack chuckled, and he sounded a bit more like himself, even despite his voice being hoarse and tired. “Nine’s great for me, you sure it’s good for you?” he asked, and Mac could hear he was teasing. “I know you like to sleep in on your days off.”

“It’s fine, I’ll get up,” Mac assured him, knowing that he probably would wake up at five because of the anticipation of seeing Jack. “I really can’t wait to see you, Jack.”

“Yeah... I’m looking forward to it,” Jack said, his voice gaining back the warm quality that was been missing from it. “Goodnight, Mac.”

“Goodnight, Jack,” Mac whispered, and he couldn’t stop grinning as he hung up the phone.

He had a cheesy idea for a text to send Jack’s way, so he went inside and finds his chemistry set. He dumped a couple chemicals into a glass beaker and lit a flame underneath it to make them bubble. He snapped a picture of the reaction, then opened up his text chain with Jack. “I’m *excited* for tomorrow” he wrote, attaching the correct photo—or so he thought—before hitting send.

Then he turned his phone off and plugged it in to charge near his bed before stripping out of his clothes so he could take a shower... blissfully unaware of what picture he _really_ sent to Jack.

~***~

He stepped into the shower and turned the water on, closing his eyes and enjoying the warmth hitting his skin. Thinking about Jack in the shower wasn’t the smartest thing to do since he usually wound up having less than appropriate thoughts and then took care of the problem while thinking about Jack, which left him guilty and disgusted with himself immediately after. This time, however, he was too excited about seeing Jack tomorrow for his mind to wander, and he showered quickly, without any additional activities. Once he was done he grabbed a towel and dried himself, walking into his room to pull on a pair of sweatpants.

Mac was about to get into the bed, maybe read something before going to sleep, when suddenly a loud banging on his door made him jump. He’d taken to locking it again at night, simply because he didn’t like surprises— _you_ try having Murdoc break in in the middle of the night to stand over your bed—and he grabbed the nearest thing that looked like a weapon before he headed for the door. It was one of his science fair trophies from when he was a kid, solid and heavy in his hand, and he threw open the front door with it half-raised... only to nearly drop it when he saw who was on the other side.

“Jack?” Mac breathed out, aware that he probably looked like a wide-eyed fish with his mouth hanging open.

Jack didn’t look great, he looked tired and like someone who’d been through a lot lately, the bags under his eyes were darker than Mac had ever seen them. It turned out that Mac was right, Jack had a full beard now... and was watching Mac with an unreadable look on his face.

“Jack, what’s—” Mac started, but he didn’t get to finish because suddenly Jack took a few steps closer and grabbed him by the shoulders, kicking the door shut and slamming Mac’s back against it.

Before Mac could ask what this was about, his brain pretty much went offline because... because Jack leaned in and crashed their lips together in a hard kiss.

Mac made a shocked sound, his whole body flushing hot. He kissed back just like he did in every dream he’d had like this—because that was what this was, right? A dream? It had to be, there was no way that Jack would just barge into his house and kiss him. He wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck and let out a moan when he felt Jack’s tongue prod at his lips, parting them instantly and deepening the kiss.

The way Jack kissed was dominant and rough, and Mac was loving every second. Jack’s hands rested on his hips, gripping them lightly, but after the moment Jack started running them up and down Mac’s body, exploring his chest and abs with his rough hands and making Mac shiver under his touch. He moaned again, feeling like he was on fire, and Jack just kissed him harder, devouring his mouth like it was everything he’d been dreaming about for years, and suddenly... suddenly it hit Mac that this was _real_.

He knew he should pull back, that they should talk about what the hell was happening like adults... but he was afraid if he did that he’d scare Jack away. So he drew him closer instead, returning the passion of his embrace and letting out a surprised squeak when Jack’s hands grasped under his thighs, lifting him up and pushing him harder into the wall. He wrapped his legs around Jack’s waist and gasped for air when he pulled away to mouth over Mac’s jaw.

His beard was rough against his skin, but Mac didn’t mind and he let out a soft moan when Jack’s teeth scraped over his jaw. He moved lower and pressed his lips to the birthmark Mac had always been self-conscious about, and sucked and bit down, making Mac’s hips twitch. He tightened his arms around Jack’s neck to pull him even closer, groaning loudly when Jack moved to nip on his throat, teeth sinking into the delicate skin.

Jack didn’t say a word but he growled against Mac’s neck, hands sliding up to his ass and squeezing at it through Mac’s sweatpants. He pulled them away from the wall, holding on to Mac tightly and carrying him down the hall toward the bedroom. Mac put both hands on Jack’s face and pulled him in for another kiss, nipping at his lower lip as they tumble into the bed. He took advantage of his legs around Jack’s waist and rolled them so he was on top, Jack sprawled out on his back underneath him, watching with a hungry gaze as Mac stripped off his shirt.

He pushed his hair out of his eyes and against the voice of reason screaming in his head, he leaned down to kiss Jack again. It was obvious where this was going and Mac _knew_ it wasn’t the right thing to do without talking first... but he’d wanted Jack like this for so long that his judgement was a little clouded. Jack ran his hands up his thighs before wrapping his arm around his back and tugging until Mac’s lying on top of him. The kiss was just as passionate and hard as the ones before, and it felt... like nothing Mac could ever imagine.

This position put Mac’s ass square in Jack’s lap, and he groaned when he felt his hard cock press against him. He wasn’t sure what they were going to wind up doing—which was another reason talking could be helpful—but it might be nice to know, considering Mac had never done anything with a guy beyond kissing. He had an idea of how things worked, of course, but when he thought about doing any of what he’d done with women or seen in porn with Jack he got butterflies in his stomach.

And he _knew_ he should say something... but then Jack was rolling them over so he was on top, looming over him and yanking off his shirt before dropping his hand to the front of Mac’s sweatpants. He moaned loudly when Jack pressed his palm against the growing bulge in his pants, rubbing it teasingly. He wrapped his arms around Jack, hands clawing at his back, and he absently realized that Jack seemed to have more scars than he used to, but he was distracted from that by Jack’s hand slipping _into_ his sweatpants, rough fingers wrapping around his cock.

His hips twitched into the delicious friction of Jack’s palm, the pure amount of sensation making Mac’s eyes roll back in his head. He held Jack as close as he could, gasping and whining each time he stroked his cock, and it was only after a minute or so that he realized Jack might have liked some reciprocation. Suddenly shy, Mac bit his lower lip as he slid one hand down over Jack’s sculpted chest and abs, tentatively dipping his fingers into the pajama pants Jack was wearing.

Exhaling shakily, he tugged the pants down a little and then he carefully wrapped his fingers around Jack’s cock. He was instantly rewarded with a broken moan and a twitch of Jack’s hips, and Mac stifled a groan when he realized how _big_ Jack was. Other than the angle, it wasn’t that different than holding himself and Jack growled against his cheek when Mac gave him a light stroke. He spread his legs so Jack could get closer... and then he had an idea.

Pulling his hand out of Jack’s pants, Mac shimmied out of his own sweatpants before encouraging Jack to do the same. Then he wrapped his arms around Jack and hooked a leg over his hip, rocking up against him until their cocks ground together. In response Jack moaned and slid one arm between Mac’s back and the mattress, pulling him closer and bracing his other forearm on the bed. He growled and pressed their lips together in another hard kiss and he rolled his hips down, setting up a quick, needy rhythm.

Mac was helpless to do anything but kiss Jack back and drown in the pleasure that was building in his gut. He wanted to make this last but he didn’t think that would be possible, not with how perfectly Jack was grinding against him, sparks lighting up behind his eyes. To Mac’s relief it didn’t seem like Jack was doing much better, his rhythm faltering after only a few moments, and then he was crying out against Mac’s ear and coming hard. The feeling of Jack’s warm come spurting over his stomach and abs, and the way Jack rode out his orgasm, moving erratically, was enough to send Mac over the edge as well.

“Oh, _Jack_ ,” he moaned loudly, and arched off the mattress as he came, his fingernails digging into Jack’s back as he thrust up frantically a few times before stilling.

Once he was done Jack collapsed on top of him, face buried in Mac’s neck and his arm hugging him close. Being wrapped up in Jack’s embrace like this was wonderful, Mac had never felt warmer or safer... but something was off. Why did Jack come over in the first place? Was this just a physical thing for him? Was... was he going to leave? Anxiety unfurled in Mac’s chest and he squeezed Jack, suddenly finding himself blinking back tears.

“Jack?” he asked in a whisper, unable to stop his voice from shaking. “What... what’s going on?”

“Had to see you,” Jack mumbled against his neck, his breath hot and damp on his skin. It didn’t explain what just happened between them, and Mac was still as confused and scared as he was before. “After I got that picture... I had to see you now.”

Mac blinked in confusion, because whatever he’d expected Jack’s reasoning to be, it wasn’t that. “Wait... what?” he said, shifting a little and wincing when their drying come pulled at his skin. “You had to come and see me... and _kiss_ me because I sent you a picture of excited molecules?”

Jack suddenly tensed on top of him, his body growing hard as a rock, and Mac instinctively tightened his arms around him. “N-No,” Jack whispered, but he sounded different than just seconds ago, his voice unsure and... scared. “No, you... you didn’t send me that.”

Something occurred to Mac and he froze, eyes going wide with shock and embarrassment. Did he... no, he _deleted_ those pictures as soon as he sent them to Desi... right? He kept one arm around Jack and reached blindly for his phone with the other, powering it on and opening the gallery. “Oh. Oh _shit_.” He stared at a picture of his hard dick for a few seconds, a part of him still not believing that this actually happened.

“You... you didn’t mean to—” Jack started, his voice shaking... along with his entire body.

“No,” Mac whispered, swallowing hard. “I... must’ve tapped the wrong picture and I didn’t check before sending.” Suddenly, Jack moved, or well, he tried to, because as soon as he pushed himself up, Mac tightened his arms around him and pulled him back down. “Jack, no—don’t go, please.”

“I’m an i-idiot,” Jack said, his voice trembling even harder, and Mac had never heard him sound like this before. He made a pained sound and shook his head, trying to get up again. “Let me go, Mac. I thought... well, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”

Mac held on tighter, using all of his strength to stop Jack, but he knew that if he really tried, Jack would be able to get away. His reaction, however... it gave Mac hope that maybe... maybe there were some feelings involved in what they just did. “No, I’m not letting you go,” Mac said quietly, swallowing hard. “If I let you go, you’re gonna run and probably disappear, and... we need to talk.”

Something grated out of Jack’s throat that was almost a laugh, except it didn’t sound happy. “Of course I’d run, Mac! You’re gonna tell me that this meant nothing, that it was... a mistake, or a fling, and that you’ll never return my feelings—” He cut off, a panicked expression crossing his face. “I... I’m sorry, Mac, I... I shouldn’t have thought you meant to send that to me.”

“Feelings?” Mac repeated, focusing on this part for now because it was the one that made his heart beat faster. “What—” In shock he must have loosened his grip on Jack, because suddenly he pushed himself up in one, quick move, and he was pulling on his pajama pants before Mac could even sit up. “No, Jack, wait!” Mac called out, scrambling to his feet, but Jack was already near his bedroom door, his t-shirt forgotten. “Jack, I love you!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for all the sweet comments on the first chapter, as usual we're SO grateful that you guys continue to love our fics! <3 **Warning for this chapter: discussions of physical and psychological torture, drugging, and graphic depictions of violence.** Enjoy!

Jack stopped dead in his tracks, overbalancing and almost falling over. Something seemed to be wrong with either his back or one of his legs and Mac lunged to catch him, locking his knees so they didn’t hit the floor. “You... what?” Jack said, his voice full of disbelief. His hands went to Mac’s shoulders automatically but now he dropped them to his sides, albeit reluctantly. “Mac... do you mean that?”

“Of course I do,” Mac whispered, managing to catch Jack’s gaze, and his heart broke when he saw that his eyes were full of pain. “I’d never lie to you, Jack... but especially not about something like that.” Jack looked at him for a moment, eyes searching his face... and then he sagged forward, slumping against Mac’s chest. Mac slid his arms around him and held him close, brushing his lips against Jack’s temple. “Are you okay? Physically, I mean—I realize we’re both pretty fucked up mentally.”

Jack shook his head, letting out a shuddering sigh. “No, I’m... I’m not okay,” he whispered, and Mac’s alarmed when he heard pain in his voice just like he saw in his eyes. “You think maybe we could... go back to your bed? I probably won’t be able to stand for much longer.”

“Yeah, of course,” Mac said softly, and shifted them, slinging one of Jack’s arms over his shoulder. Slowly, he walked him toward the bed and then helped him sit down on the edge of the mattress... and that was when he realized he was still fully naked. He felt his face burn and he bent down to pick up his sweatpants from the floor and put them on. Then he sat down next to Jack and reached out to grab his hand. “What should we talk about first?” he asked quietly, squeezing Jack’s fingers. “What just happened or... what happened to you?”

“Maybe... maybe what just happened first?” Jack suggested, the words coming out oddly small. He squeezed Mac’s hand back, swallowing hard. “When I got that picture from you, it was like... a switch flipped in my brain. I’ve had feelings for you for... a long time now, but when I thought there was even a remote possibility that you were attracted to me, I just... went for it.”

“Well, obviously I had no idea what I actually sent to you,” Mac said, feeling himself flush red again. “And when you kissed me... I kissed you back because it was a dream coming true.” It felt... surreal to admit that to Jack out loud without Jack pushing him away, but Mac wasn’t complaining. “And I knew we should’ve... talked first, but I was afraid that if I stopped you, you’d think I was pushing you away. Plus I... I really wanted to keep kissing you.”

Jack’s lips twitched up in the faintest smile. “Even with the picture, I... it felt surreal for me too. A part of me couldn’t believe that you didn’t punch me or something.”

“I wouldn’t do that, even if I wasn’t interested—which I am, I love you!” Mac said, adding the last part with wide eyes in case Jack had forgotten. “I... wasn’t too sure what I was doing beyond the kissing, but... I liked it. A lot.”

Jack tensed again. “What?” he asked in a whisper, turning his head to stare at Mac with wide eyes. “What do you mean?” His breathing quickened a little and Mac hoped Jack wasn’t heading for a panic attack. “You... you never...”

“No,” Mac said quietly, suddenly feeling embarrassed, even though he knew there was nothing to be ashamed of. “Not with a guy, I mean. Is that...” He hesitated. “Is that a problem?”

Jack started shaking again, his gaze flitting over Mac like he’d never seen him before. “No, it’s not a _problem_ , but why... why would you...” He trailed off, looking down at the floor for a moment before squeezing his eyes shut. “Why would you want this with _me_?”

“Because I love you?” Mac said, a questioning note to the words that he couldn’t control. He reached out with his other hand, putting his fingers on Jack’s jaw and gently turning his head. “Jack, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong—I loved every second of what we did, except for the part where I thought we might be ruining our relationship by not talking.”

“I love you,” Jack whispered, and Mac exhaled shakily because until now Mac had been the only one saying those words... and it was a relief to know for sure Jack felt the same way. “I love you so much, and...” Jack swallowed hard, the look on his face tortured. “You should’ve told me, stopped me, I... so that it would be more special for you than me humping against you.”

Mac felt his face flush at Jack’s phrasing but he did his best to ignore it. “Jack, it _was_ special,” he insisted, tugging him closer until he could kiss his bearded cheek. “It was with you.” He smiled a little, stroking his fingertips through the hair on Jack’s face. “I like the new look, by the way. Reminds me of a lumberjack.”

That made Jack smile which was exactly Mac’s intention, and while the smile was weak and didn’t reach Jack’s eyes, it was progress. He turned his head to press a kiss to Mac’s fingers and then he shifted closer... and rested his head on Mac’s shoulder. Mac immediately squeezed the hand he was holding and pressed his cheek against Jack’s hair, his heart breaking because Jack was clearly a shadow of himself and something was still very wrong.

“Can... can you tell me what’s going on?” Mac asked softly, letting go of Jack’s hand in favor of wrapping his arm around Jack’s shoulders. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but... I hate to see you hurting like this.”

Jack let out another one of those shuddering sighed, nuzzling at the side of Mac’s neck. “I’m not sure where I should start,” he admitted, his newly freed hand settling on Mac’s knee. “Did you... notice the scars?”

“Yeah, on your back,” Mac said, matching the volume of his voice to how quietly Jack spoke. “I felt them with my hands earlier when we... you know.” Shifting, he kept his arm around Jack, but he leaned back to look at his back... and it felt like the air got knocked out of him because the scars... looked much worse than how they felt under Mac’s touch earlier. His back was a crisscrossed pattern of pink and white stripes, the skin puckered and mottled where stitches held it together. Now that Mac knew what he was looking for he turns his eyes to the rest of Jack’s body, and he noticed the rounded indentations of cigarette burns on his biceps and shoulders. “Jack,” he breathed out, the pain and anger he felt coming out in his voice. “What the hell happened?”

“I got captured,” Jack said in a whisper, his voice hollow in a way Mac had never heard before. He tightened his arm around Jack and forced himself to stay silent, giving all Jack all the time he needed. “We were getting close to Kovacs... too close. The bastard figured it out and set up a trap.” Jack exhaled shakily. “We got ambushed and... it got ugly. My team managed to get out and I... didn’t.”

“You made sure you were the last guy out the door, right?” Mac guessed, and when Jack looked at him in surprise Mac offered him a shaky smile. “You taught me everything I know, remember? First rule is—”

“The team before yourself,” Jack finished, smiling ruefully. He leaned against Mac more heavily, like he needed the support to have the energy to speak. “Yeah, well, I put my money where my mouth was this time. Kovacs was the first person I saw when I woke up, and... and he knew who I was.”

Mac briefly closed his eyes because he could pretty much guess where the story was going and he already hated it. “As you can imagine, he wasn’t my biggest fan,” Jack continued. “I guess shooting and almost killing someone, and then hunting them down years later isn’t the best way to make friends.” He sighed. “The thing is... he didn’t want me dead, at least not right away.”

“He told me I had a choice,” Jack continued, his grip on Mac’s knee tightening. His head was still on Mac’s shoulder and he stared off into the middle distance, voice gone flat. “I could either endure whatever kind of crazed torture he came up with... or he’d go after you, and Riley, and the rest of the team. I knew him well enough by then to know that he wasn’t bluffing, especially since he had your names and addresses. And I couldn’t let that happen, Mac.”

Mac stifled a pained sound and exhaled shakily, because this was even worse than what he imagined. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through this.”

A shiver ran through Jack’s body and he kept staring ahead. “The marks on my back are from a whip as you probably guessed. I’m sure you also saw the cigarette burns. Other than that there was water boarding, punching, pretty standard stuff... at least at first.” He exhaled softly. “Then Kovacs started getting more creative.”

Mac sank his teeth into his tongue to keep from swearing out loud. He kept a tight grip on his emotions for the moment, mostly because he couldn’t decide if he wanted to cry or punch something. “Creative... how?”

“He brought in this guy, and they started messin’ with drugs and stuff,” Jack said, the words slow and deliberate like he was pondering each one before it emerged. “He talked about the mumbo-jumbo behind it—you’d probably understand a helluva lot more than I did—but the short version is... they fucked with me so I couldn’t walk, or so that all I felt was burning fucking agony, or so that I was blind. And the physical stuff didn’t just stop either, it only got worse. I didn’t wanna give up, I really didn’t... but at the same time it got so bad that part of me wished they’d screw up and I’d just die.”

This time Mac wasn’t able to stay silent and he made a pained sound in the back of his throat, because the idea of Jack giving up... it broke his heart. “Fuck, Jack,” he whispered, somehow keeping his voice from shaking, even though tears had slowly started running down his cheeks. “I’m... so sorry.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “How... how did you get out? And where the fuck was your team?” Mac held Jack tighter, trying not to let his anger show, but it was almost impossible. “Why didn’t they come back for you? And more importantly...” He trailed off, gritting his teeth. “Why did no one told _us_ you got captured? We could’ve helped.”

“My task force team wasn’t like our team, Mac,” Jack said with a sigh, his breath gusting against Mac’s throat. “It was a group of guys who had all worked for the government before... and they were all more interested in saving their own hides than they were coming after me.” He drew back a little, but only to look Mac in the eye. “They didn’t tell you because they were still tracking Kovacs—he was moving around every few days, dragging me along with him—and they thought getting him was more important.” His gaze dropped to the floor again. “As for how I got out... that’s another story.”

“So what, you risked your life and got captured so that they could get away and they didn’t think to return the favor and save you?” Mac asked, the anger boiling even hotter inside him, and suddenly he understood exactly why sometimes Jack would lose it whenever he got hurt. “Matty will be furious and she’ll make them pay, I guarantee it.” He paused and frowned when he saw Jack looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. “What?”

“Nothing, you just... sounded a lot like me for a second there, that’s all,” Jack said, the ghost of a smile making his lips twitch upward. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

Mac took a deep breath and forced himself to focus, not wanting Jack to clam up now that he started talking. “So how did you get out if they didn’t come back for you? I... I understand if you don’t want to tell me, Jack, but... I’d like to know.”

“I managed to steal a scalpel off Kovacs’s so called doctor,” Jack started, halting every few words, his hand tight on Mac’s knee again. “Kept it under my leg and waited for the right moment.”

Mac could sense Jack’s hesitation, so he kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer. “Whatever you had to do... it’s okay,” he whispered. “I meant what I said earlier, I’d never judge you, Jack. Especially not for something you had to do to survive and... come back to me.”

He felt Jack smile against his neck, another tiny thing that made Mac’s heart flutter. “I... I cut one of my restraints and slashed the doc’s throat,” he whispered, like he was sharing a terrible secret... which he was, Mac realized, because he hadn’t told anybody what happened. “He fell on me, bleeding everywhere... and he was just the first one. I cut myself free and kept going through the compound Kovacs was using, killing people along the way. It... it only got worse the further I went.”

“You did that with all those injuries you had?” Mac asked in a whisper, swallowing hard when Jack nodded. “I can’t imagine how much pain you must’ve been in.” He blinked a few times, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “Did you... did you get Kovacs?”

“I found him in one of the buildings,” Jack whispered, his voice shaking. “And when I did, he... he laughed. And told me I signed your death sentence because he... he had you locked up somewhere with his men waiting for a signal to kill you.”

“Fuck, Jack,” Mac said, barely managing to choke back a sob. He knew what he would’ve felt in that moment if he were in Jack’s shoes, and it was horrible, a mixture of fear and agony and guilt. “The way you’ve been acting since you came back makes a lot of sense now.”

“Yeah, I was... pretty fucked up,” Jack replied, sniffling a little. “Still am, actually. I killed Kovacs, obviously, and then... well, everything’s kind of a blur until I got back to the States. First thing I did when I got a phone was called Matty and made sure everything was okay with you guys.”

“We were just fine,” Mac whispered. “Well, maybe not fine, I... I wasn’t fine, but it had nothing to do with Kovacs.” He exhaled shakily. “Or maybe it did? Because I wasn’t fine mostly because you were gone... but that’s not the point.” He shook his head a little. “Did the drugs cause any... permanent damage?”

“I’m not sure,” Jack said, and he sounded... _scared_ , which chilled Mac to the bone. The only time Jack had ever sounded scared was when Mac or Riley were in danger, not when it came to himself. “I get these... tremors sometimes that I can’t control, and I can’t tell if they’re from anxiety or if it’s a side effect. Can’t sleep either, but I think that’s a mental thing.”

Mac swallowed hard and forced himself to get it together. “Okay, how about... we get you checked out at the Phoenix?” he suggested softly. “You know all the docs there, they all love you... and I could review the results if it makes you feel better? I’m no doctor, but I can figure it out.”

Jack tensed as Mac spoke, and he wasn’t sure if it was the mention of the Phoenix or the doctors that set him off. “I... don’t know if I can do that, Mac. The only reason I came over here was because—well, I wasn’t exactly thinking with my upstairs brain, and it... it was _you_.” His voice got smaller still. “I know I’m safe with you.”

Mac thought about it for a moment... and then he had an idea, albeit an unconventional one. “Okay, if you don’t want to go to medical... what if I had my dad come over with some equipment? We could run some tests and between the two of us I’m sure we could figure out what’s going on with you.” Jack didn’t reply and he was still tense, so Mac rubbed his back gently, careful not to touch his scars too much. “It would be totally of the books,” he murmured. “My dad hasn’t officially come back to the Phoenix yet and he’s mostly hanging out at his house, doing puzzles, it’s driving him insane.” He smiled a little. “No one would know he came here... and even if they did, they’d think he’s visiting me.”

“Maybe... maybe tomorrow?” Jack ventured, and Mac hated hearing him sound so uncertain. “I could come back.”

Mac frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. “Come back? What are you talking about?” Realization dawned and he put a gentle hand on Jack’s cheek, easing him back until he could look at him. “Jack, you’re more than welcome to stay with me for as long as you want to. I won’t tell anyone you’re here.”

Jack stared at him with huge eyes and it broke Mac’s heart that he apparently thought Mac would kick him out. “I have nightmares when I try to sleep,” Jack whispered. “Violent ones. When I wake up I... usually don’t know where I am, I could... hurt you.” He looked away again. “I can’t hurt you. If you really want me to stay then I... should sleep on the couch. Or in the car or something.”

“I do have a guest room, you know,” Mac pointed out dryly, and he smiled when Jack did. “But Jack... you won’t hurt me.” When Jack opened his mouth to protest, Mac put a finger over his lips. “Let me finish. Is it possible the reason you’ve been having trouble sleeping is because you’ve been alone?”

Jack blinked at him in confusion. “I... don’t know?” he whispered, a questioning note in his voice. “Mostly I’m afraid to close my eyes because whenever I do... I see Kovacs and that doctor buddy of his, I hear them laugh.” He shivered a little and Mac hugged him closer. “And I’m just... scared, even though I know they’re all dead.”

Mac knew how much of a big deal it was when Jack admitted to being scared. “You just said you’re safe with me,” he pointed out softly. “I’m not going anywhere, Jack... no matter what. I’ll keep you safe.”

Jack stared at him for a moment before he whispered, low and shaky, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Mac replied, leaning in slowly and kissing Jack’s cheek. “Now I don’t know about you, but I could use a shower. I took one earlier, but...” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely toward his stomach, which was still covered in dried come. “I think I want another one. You wanna come with me?”

Jack stared at him some more, disbelief and shock written all over his face. “You’re... sure you want that?” he asked. “I don’t wanna... pressure you into anything more than I already did.”

“Jack, you didn’t pressure me into anything,” Mac said, because apparently they needed to set some things straight. “What we did earlier... I _wanted_ that. I would’ve stopped you if I hadn’t.”

Jack was quiet for a second, but he let Mac pull him to his feet when he stood. “If you’re sure.”

“Absolutely,” Mac whispered, and then he took a chance. Giving Jack plenty of time to pull away, he leaned in to give him a real kiss. It was soft and sweet, gentle pressure that made something warm unfurl in Mac’s chest. Once they broke apart he laced their fingers together and led Jack to the bathroom. “C’mon.”

Jack followed him quietly and Mac made sure to walk slowly, remembering what happened earlier. “Other than those tremors... are you okay?” he asked once they were in the bathroom. “It’s just... you sounded in pain and then you almost collapsed and told me you couldn’t stand for long.” He swallowed hard and looked into Jack’s tired eyes. “I wanna help you, Jack.”

“When I was on my way out of the compound, I... I slipped in some blood and fucked up my knee,” Jack said, slipping out of his pants with Mac offering his arm for balance. “I heard something pop, but it didn’t hurt until later - adrenaline’s a helluva drug. If I stay off it it’s not too bad... but I think picking you up and... everything else probably didn’t help.”

Mac glanced down and winced when he saw that Jack’s left knee was purple and swollen. He had Jack lean against the bathroom wall and he knelt down on the floor. He did his best to ignore that Jack’s cock was right _there_ and he focused on Jack’s knee, touching it gently with his fingers, not wanting to cause Jack any more pain. “I don’t think it’s dislocated if you can still walk,” he said after a moment, getting up to his feet. “But you probably fractured or torn something... hard to say without an MRI.”

“Usually I ice it and it goes down,” Jack mumbled, and he almost looked... embarrassed? “My back’s not right either. I think all the waterboarding and being locked to a table most of the time aggravated an old injury. Guess I’m lucky I didn’t wind up with pneumonia.”

“Maybe some warm water will help,” Mac suggested, stripping off his sweatpants and pretending he didn’t give a shit about being naked. He guided Jack into the shower and put his back to the spray, testing the water with his hand before he let it hit Jack’s skin. “How’s that?”

“It feels... nice,” Jack murmured, sighing when Mac wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer. “But that might be because I’m here with you.” Mac felt his face burn and he ducked his head, but he managed to catch Jack smiling a little. “You’re cute when you blush like that.”

It only made Mac flush more, but he also smiled back, pushing his hair out of his eyes to look at Jack. He brushed his fingers over his beard and shifted his hand to rub the skin under Jack’s eye with his thumb. “You’re gonna be alright, Jack,” he said softly. “We’ll figure all of this out.”

“If anybody can do it, it’s you,” Jack said, his voice little more than a pleasant rumble. “I trust you, Mac.”

“I know that doesn’t come easily for you,” Mac said, leaning in for a kiss while still supporting some of Jack’s weight since he seemed to be relaxing. “So I’m happy to hear that. Especially after... well, everything.”

He more felt than saw Jack frown and after a moment he pulled back, looking at Mac in confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I... you know what,” Mac replied quietly, and then sighed. “I know that I... ruined things between us when I ran away to Nigeria. It was never the same after I came back and I know this was my fault. I never got to apologize properly for that, so...” He swallowed hard. “I’m really sorry, Jack. For everything.”

“Hey, that wasn’t just you,” Jack protested, and to Mac’s surprise he heard some of the usual fire in his voice. “When you came back I acted like a little kid that got rejected by his crush, and that wasn’t cool. I shouldn’t have pushed you away the way I did—and don’t tell me I didn’t.” That made Mac shut his mouth before he could get any words out, and Jack smiled. “So I’m sorry too, but as far as I’m concerned we’re good.”

“I’m... I’m glad,” Mac said, suddenly feeling ten times lighter. Making sure to always keep one arm around Jack and hold him up, he reached for the shampoo to wash Jack’s hair that was long enough for him to style it into that mohawk Mac secretly loved so much. “So,” he started conversationally. “Where have you been staying since you got back? By the way, all of your things are here, we brought them over once your lease was up.”

“I’ve got an AirBnB in Glendale,” Jack replied, leaning into Mac’s touch and groaning a little. “That feels good. Been a while since I took a real shower. Done a lot of sink washing because I was afraid of falling down.”

“I wish you’d told me what was going on sooner,” Mac said, rinsing the shampoo from Jack’s hair and slathering on some conditioner next. “I could’ve helped more.”

“I know and I knew it then, I knew that if I called you... you’d be there right away,” Jack said softly, and then sighed. “I just... didn’t feel like I deserved the privilege of seeing you... or Riles. I still don’t.”

“Because of what you had to do?” Mac asked, just to make sure, and Jack nodded. “I know I said it already, but... it doesn’t bother me. And I know Riley would understand as well. She’s really worried about you, you know?” He smiled a little. “She checked your credit card activity, but you obviously used an alias. She didn’t trace your phone, though.”

“I bet she wanted to,” Jack remarked, allowing Mac to rinse his hair again before he put some body wash on a cloth and started skimming it gently over Jack’s body. “Bet you wanted her to.”

“Of course I did, we _all_ did,” Mac replied, letting Jack take the cloth to do his more sensitive areas and making a noise of surprise when Jack started washing _him_ once he was done. “But I knew you wanted space and we tried to respect that.”

“I really appreciate it,” Jack murmured, brushing Mac’s wet hair out of his eyes and leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Now... you wanna tell me why you were eating my favorite pizza earlier?” He raised his eyebrows. “I could tell you were lyin’ earlier, saying you wanted to give it another shot.”

Mac sighed, knowing he wasn’t getting out of this one. “I... I missed you,” he said softly. “And eating it made me feel closer to you.”

Jack looked at him with those big brown eyes and leaned in for a real kiss this time, chaste but affectionate all the same. “You’re a sap,” he mumbled. “And I love that about you.”

Mac smiled as he reached back to turn off the water, grabbing towels for them once he stepped out of the shower. He wrapped one around his waist and hung on to Jack’s arm to make sure he didn’t fall. “Only for you, apparently. Desi informed me I was never very good at romance.”

“Bullshit,” Jack murmured, drying himself off, and Mac couldn’t help but smile at how ready Jack was to defend him. “You’re... complicated, that’s true. But there are more kinds of romance than the traditional one.” He smiled and kissed Mac again. “Taking care of someone, listening to them ramble about _Die Hard_ and Metallica for hours, learning to love country music... that’s romance too.”

Mac grinned at him hard enough that his face hurt as they walked back into the bedroom. “So what you’re saying is that I’ve been romancing you for years now without knowing it?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Jack said, wincing as Mac eased him down on the edge of the mattress. He looked him up and down and smiled wolfishly. “Don’t tell me you’re plannin’ on covering up now that I finally get to look at you.” Mac was about to reach for a t-shirt to put on and his cheeks burned as he flushed red. He was suddenly very much aware they were both pretty much naked except for the towels around their waists, and somehow it felt... different than in the shower. “Hey now,” Jack’s low voice brought him out of his thoughts and when his gaze snapped to him, Jack was watching him with a soft look on his face. “We can put some clothes on, it’s alright. I was just teasin’.”

“No, no, it’s... it’s fine,” Mac rushed to say because it _was_ fine. “I just... there’s nothing to look on, really. _You_ are gorgeous, but I’m... nothing special.”

Jack’s mouth dropped open, shock flitting across his face. “Are you kidding me?” he asked incredulously. He held out his hands and Mac stepped closer to him, making a surprised sound when Jack tugged him down into his lap. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Mac.” Mac chewed on his lower lip and stared at Jack’s collarbone, not really believing him even though... Jack sounded like he really meant it. “You don’t believe me,” Jack murmured, and it wasn’t a question, it was a statement, but he didn’t sound upset. “In that case I’m gonna tell you that every day until you do.” He ran his hands up and down Mac’s back, making him shiver. “If I didn’t feel like passing out and like shit in general, I’d show you exactly how gorgeous I think you are.”

Mac smiled, wrapping his arms around Jack’s neck and hugging him. “That can wait until tomorrow,” he said, nuzzling at Jack’s cheek. “Let’s get some sleep.” He paused, thinking of something. “Do you need a painkiller? I should have some.”

“That would be great,” Jack replied, but he didn't seem to want to let Mac go. “Sorry, it’s just... I’m afraid if I let you outta my sight I’m gonna wake up and find out this was a dream.”

“I know what you mean,” Mac murmured. “But the odds of us having the same dream at the same team are pretty slim, so I think we’re good.”

“Only you would look at this from a statistical point of view,” Jack said, and chuckled, but then he let Mac go.

He headed back to the bathroom and searched the cabinet for a moment, making a triumphant sound when he found some painkillers that hadn’t expired yet. He went back to the bedroom and handed Jack the pill along with the bottle of water he had on the nightstand... and after a moment of hesitation, he got rid of the towel around his waist. Jack almost choked on his water but managed to swallow the pill before he kicked off his own towel. They climbed into bed together and Mac waited for Jack to arrange the pillows to his liking, lying on his back. Then he snuggled up on his right side so he couldn’t kick his knee accidentally.

“Is this okay?” Mac asked, tilting his head back to look at Jack’s face. “Do you need anything else?”

“This is perfect,” Jack whispered, and wrapped his arms around him. “And it’ll sound cheesy, but... all I need is you.”

Mac grinned up at him. “It _is_ cheesy, but I love it,” he said, but then he noticed something vulnerable in Jack’s eyes. “You’re still worried.”

“You know me too well,” Jack grumbled, but then sighed. “I’m... afraid of another nightmare. I’ve had them every night and like I told you, I... usually don’t know what’s goin’ on when I wake up.”

“Jack... if you have a nightmare I’ll wake you up and we’ll work from there,” Mac said, putting his arm around Jack’s middle and reveling in all the skin-to-skin contact. “And if you try to hit me or something I won’t take it personally.” He breathed in Jack’s smell and shut his eyes. “Try to get some rest.”

“Okay,” Jack whispered, tightening his grip on Mac, relaxing as he let out a breath.

And Mac waited to fall asleep until he felt those breaths even out, closing his eyes and slipping into darkness a moment later.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Just as a warning, this chapter features **medical examination, including a blood draw**. The next chapter I post for this one will be the last, but Kaja just started posting our massive fix-it fic for 5x05, which you can read right [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28919622)! I'll also have another fic headed your way once this one is finished. :) Enjoy!

When the morning came Mac woke up slowly, in the way you woke up when you were comfortable and didn’t have anywhere else to be. He opened his eyes and smiled when he realized he was still snuggled up against Jack’s side... and he was still asleep, his breathing deep and even. No nightmares, much to Mac’s surprise, but he was definitely not complaining—Jack definitely needed rest and hopefully sleeping peacefully through the entire night was a start.

A glance at the clock told Mac that it was just after nine, so he decided to get up and call his dad, since Jack more or less agreed to have him come over. He pressed the softest kiss to Jack’s collarbone before carefully slipping out of his arms and out of the bed. He put on a pair of sweatpants and grabbed his phone before silently walking out of his room and into the kitchen, picking his dad’s number on the way.

James answered on the second ring. “Hey, Angus,” he greeted warmly. Their relationship was much improved since they almost died at the hands of Codex and Gwen, so Mac had no qualms about calling him. “What’s up?”

“Jack came to see me last night,” Mac said, smiling when he heard what he suspected was his dad choking on his coffee. He started a pot of his own before leaning against the counter with the phone to his ear. “He’s... not in great shape mentally, but I’m actually more worried about his physical condition. He... he was tortured, Dad. Extensively.”

“How bad was it?” James asked, and Mac was caught off guard by the genuine concern in his voice.

“Pretty standard physical stuff, waterboarding, punching, cigarette burns,” Mac started, repeating what Jack told him. “They also... whipped him, repeatedly.” He swallowed hard. “But I’m more worried about what they did after that. They... used various cocktails of drugs to fuck with him.”

“Shit,” James said, embodying the anger and guilt Mac felt in a single word. “What do you need?”

“I want to help him, but he won’t go to the Phoenix to see a doctor,” Mac started, getting a mug down for himself and pouring a cup of steaming hot coffee. “Could you maybe... snipe some testing equipment and come over here? I could really use your help with this.”

“Sure, absolutely,” James agreed easily, and Mac heard him set his coffee on the table. “Will he be okay with that?”

“I suggested it last night and he... more or less agreed?” Mac said, wincing when it came out more like a question. “It’ll be fine, he won’t agree to anything else, that’s for sure.” He suddenly remembered something. “Oh, and Dad? No one can know about him being here.”

“That’s no problem,” James said cheerfully. “All I’ve been texting people is pictures of my jigsaw puzzles, so they won’t suspect a thing.” He paused. “You want me to pick up some breakfast?”

“Yeah, that would be awesome,” Mac said, smiling again. “Thanks, Dad. See you soon.”

They hung up and he moved to the couch, curling up in the corner and picking up the book he was reading. He absently realized that he should put a shirt on... but he didn’t want to go back into his room and wake Jack, so he decided against it. A while later his phone buzzed with a text from his dad, saying he was outside. Mac went to the door and when he opened it he found his dad with two bags—breakfast in one hand, equipment in the other.

“I figured knocking or ringing the bell might not be a good idea,” James said. “You said he wasn’t doing great mentally either.”

“He’s not,” Mac confirmed, touched by his father’s consideration. “Anything else in the car?”

“Just the centrifuge for the blood samples,” James replied, stepping inside. “Figured you already had a computerized microscope.”

“You figured right,” Mac said, patting his dad’s shoulder before he headed out. He grabbed the rest of the equipment and set it down on the counter. “Are those the greasy sausage and egg sandwiches Jack loves?”

“Yeah, from that breakfast place you both love,” James confirmed, and once again Mac was shocked and touched. “I remembered him rambling about them and, well, the guy could probably use something familiar.” James gave Mac a look, his eyes sweeping over him before he raised his eyebrow. “So... Jack’s still asleep?” When Mac nodded, he smirked. “In your room, I’m guessing?”

Mac felt his face flush but he nodded, clearing his throat. “That would be a good guess. How’d you know?”

“You’ve got a hickey on your neck,” James deadpanned, snorting when Mac clapped a hand over his birthmark, remembering that Jack lavished attention on it the night before. “So how did you two go from pining after each other to rolling around in bed?”

Mac felt his cheeks burn even more. “I don’t think you wanna know,” he mumbled, and then he frowned. “Wait, you... you knew? About us pining?”

“Angus, everybody knew,” James replied, rolling his eyes. “Except Desi and later Taylor since they never saw you two together.” He tilted his head. “And now I’m very intrigued by what happened last night even though I’m pretty sure I’m gonna regret pushing.”

Mac took a deep breath and reluctantly told his father the story about accidentally sending Jack a dick pic. “I thought I deleted those pictures from my phone when Desi and I broke up... but I guess I forgot.”

To his surprise, his dad didn’t laugh or make fun of him, only made a sympathetic noise and said, “I sent your mom some pretty explicit letters back in the day. No big deal until the day her dad opened her mail by accident.”

Mac made a hysterical sound in the back of his throat because the last thing he wanted was to talk about his parents’ sex life. “I’m surprised you’re still alive,” he said once he recovered a little, clearing his throat.

James chuckled. “I couldn’t look the man in the eye for a full month,” he said. “It was pretty traumatic.” He shook his head. “No matter how, I’m glad you two figured things out. You’re good for each other.”

Mac took in a breath to thank his dad for his approval, but before he could find the words there was a loud _bang_ from the direction of his bedroom, like the door slamming open. Jack stumbled into the kitchen a moment later, pajama pants low around his hips and his gun in his hands, half raised in their direction. His eyes were wild and he... wasn’t all there, Mac could tell. “Jack, hey, easy,” he soothed, stepping between James and the gun. “It’s just me and my dad, that’s all.”

Jack was breathing heavily and his hands started trembling as he stared at him with huge eyes. He squeezed them shut a moment later and Mac took a tiny step forward. “Jack, it’s me,” he said softly. “You know me, you’re safe with me, remember?” Jack exhaled shakily and let out a barely audible whimper, eyes still closed. “Just focus on my voice, okay?” Mac murmured, waiting until Jack opened his eyes to step even closer.

It took a few seconds, but then Jack blinked and just like that he was back, slumping forward and against Mac’s chest when he wrapped his arms around him. He gently took the gun out of his hand and extended his arm toward his dad, and once he took the gun from him, Mac hugged Jack as close as he could. “It’s okay,” Mac whispered against his ear, squeezing his eyes shut and swallowing down the pain he felt at seeing Jack like this. He rubbed his back carefully, avoiding the fresher scars and letting out a sigh of relief when he felt Jack’s arms go around him in return. “See? Everything’s fine. I woke up before you and figured you needed the extra rest.” He heard his dad get up and head to the living room to give them more privacy and he appreciated it.

“I’m sorry,” Jack whispered shakily against his neck. “I didn’t... I woke up and I was alone, and I heard voices...”

“It’s okay, Jack,” Mac murmured, pressing a kiss to his temple. “You don’t have to apologize, it’s okay.”

Jack’s big hands were spread out on his back, pushed tightly against his skin like Jack would sink into him and hide if he could. “Your... your dad didn’t tell anybody else, right?”

“No, and he brought more stuff than I was hoping for,” Mac said, gesturing toward the centrifuge. “Figured I’d have to jury-rig a record player into one of these bad boys.” He tugged Jack toward the counter, not letting go of him completely—he wouldn’t do that until Jack was ready. “You want some coffee? My dad brought those breakfast sandwiches you like.”

Jack continued clinging to him, but he perked up a little. “With sausage and egg?”

Mac smiled. “Yeah, from that diner we were supposed to go to for breakfast today,” he said, kissing Jack’s temple again. “And I have coffee ready if you’re up for it.”

“Yeah, that... would be nice,” Jack murmured, and cleared his throat before pulling back a little. “Your old man must think I’m crazy.”

“You’re not crazy, Jack,” James said as he came back into the room, stealing the words right out of Mac’s mouth. He held Jack’s gun out to him and smiled when he tentatively took it back. “Just fucked up, and you’re not alone in that.”

They went out on to the deck for breakfast and Mac marveled at how much had changed in less than 24 hours. He sat next to Jack at the picnic table, pressing their thighs together, and James took the seat opposite them. They started eating and drinking their coffee, and James didn’t bring up the subject of Jack’s torture right away, and Mac was grateful for that. Instead he and James chatted about a documentary Mac watched recently, and while Jack was silent, Mac could tell he was listening to them and he could feel him slowly relax.

James waited until they were done with their food before he said anything serious, holding his coffee mug in both hands and looking at Jack. “So what’s the thing that’s bothering you the most?”

“Probably my knee,” Jack replied after a moment’s delay, meeting his eye before glancing away. “That and... and not knowing if there’s any permanent damage from the drugs.”

“I took a look at his knee,” Mac added, sensing Jack’s reluctance to talk and wanting to help. “I think he might’ve fractured something, but I can’t be sure.”

“Okay,” James said, and looked away, clearly thinking and probably coming up with a plan. “I think we should focus on the drugs first since I can tell that’s what worries you the most.” He gave Jack a gentle smile. “You probably don’t know what kind of drugs they gave you... but if you tell us all the symptoms you’ve experienced, maybe that would help us.”

Jack took a deep breath, and Mac placed a hand on his thigh in an effort to steady him. He shot him a grateful look and started talking, listing the symptoms he told Mac about last night—the tremors, sudden weakness, difficulty sleeping—but also mentioned some things he neglected to tell him. “I get nauseous a lot,” Jack said, putting his hand over Mac’s. “And sweaty... sometimes my vision blurs...”

“We need to run some tests... if that’s okay with you,” James said softly. “And I know it’s probably something you don’t wanna talk about, but... could you tell me what the drugs did when they gave them to you?”

Jack tensed and his fingers tightened around Mac’s hand. “Like I told Mac last night, they... sometimes they temporarily paralyzed me, or... made me blind.” He swallowed hard. “And sometimes I just felt like I was burning from the inside.”

James nodded, then stood up. “Okay, we’ll need to go in and draw some blood—”

“Could... could we do that out here?” Jack interjected, his voice cracking. “It’s... easier for me to be outside.”

“Sure, of course,” Mac said quickly, giving Jack’s hand a squeeze before he stood too. “I’ll be right back, okay? I just need to help my dad bring everything out here.”

Jack looked at him for a moment before reluctantly letting go of his hand. Smiling, Mac leaned down and wrapped his arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss to his cheek, nuzzling at his beard. Once again he felt Jack relax a little and he decided he could leave him for a minute, so he headed inside with his dad. “Sounds like he’s been through hell and back,” James commented quietly once they were in the kitchen. “It doesn’t look great, Angus.”

“I know,” Mac replied, because as much as he was trying to be optimistic, he couldn’t ignore what logic was telling him. “We have to do whatever we can for him, though... I hate seeing him in pain.”

James paused in the middle of unpacking the testing supplies and put a hand on Mac’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “If there’s one thing I know about Jack it’s that he’s tough,” he said, smiling when Mac looked at him in surprise. “It was one of the reasons I picked him to be your overwatch.”

“You’ll have to tell me more about this one day,” Mac said, smiling a little. “I kinda owe you for partnering me up with him, I’d love to hear that story.”

“Sure,” James agreed. “It wasn’t easy finding the right overwatch for you, I’ll tell you that much.”

Mac snorted and then he chewed on his lower lip. “Dad?” he asked, and James turned around, already on his way back to the deck. “If... if it turns out that he can’t go back to working in the field... I’m gonna retire.”

James stopped in his tracks... but he didn’t react the way Mac was expecting. “Okay,” he replied after a second, waiting for Mac to close the distance between them before he continued, “That’s fine, son. I’m sure Taylor and the others will understand.”

Tension Mac didn’t know he was holding in his body drained away. “You... you’re not mad?”

“Mad?” James repeated, looking at him incredulously. “Why on earth would I be mad?”

“Because... you’ve always wanted me to do this job, work at the DXS, then the Phoenix...” Mac trailed off. “Use my... skills for saving the world, not waste my potential?” He swallowed. “I thought you could... be disappointed or something.”

James put down what he was holding on a nearby table and grabbed Mac by the shoulders, turning him so they were face-to-face. “Angus, listen to me,” he said, staring into his eyes. “I realize that I’ve been a shitty father, but you need to understand something: I could _never_ be disappointed in you. You’re smart, talented, kind—you’re the best parts of me and your mom. I’m _proud_ of you, son. And if she were here, she would be too.”

Mac blinked rapidly, his vision suddenly blurring with tears. “I... thanks, Dad,” he said, clearing his throat. “That... means a lot.” He gave him a shaky smile that faded when he glanced out the window and saw Jack slumped by the table on the deck. “Come on, we should get out there. I need to do something to help him.”

They headed back on the deck and put everything down on the picnic table. Mac settled a hand on Jack’s shoulder and bent down to make eye contact with him. “Hey, maybe you should move to a lounge chair? It’ll be easier to take your blood that way.”

“Okay,” Jack mumbled, and he got up with Mac’s help, going over to lie back in a lounger.

Mac tugged a couple regular chairs over and sat next to Jack, picking up his arm and looking for a good vein to draw from. Once he found one he reached for the needle, but as soon as Jack saw it, he flinched away. “Jack?” Mac asked, and then saw Jack staring at the needle with huge eyes, his breathing accelerating. He suddenly realized that Kovacs probably used some kind of needle to give him drugs—he doubted he bothered with an IV—so Jack was probably experiencing PTSD related to that.

Mac handed the syringe to his father without looking, showing his empty hands to Jack before he put them on his face. “Look at me, okay? You’re not there, you aren’t with Kovacs. You’re right here with me and my dad, and they’re never going to hurt you again.” He pressed his forehead to Jack’s and shut his eyes. “But if I’m gonna help you, we have to take blood. This is the most invasive thing we need to do, I promise.”

Jack’s hands flew up to grip his wrists, but to pull him even closer, not push him away. After a moment his breathing went back to normal and he loosened his death grip, exhaling shakily. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’m... sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Mac said softly, kissing Jack’s cheek before pulling back. “Your reaction is completely normal, it’s fine.”

Mac could feel James watching them, but all he said when he handed Mac the syringe was, “He’s right, Jack—this really is the most invasive thing we have to do.” Carefully, Mac cleaned Jack’s skin with alcohol before puncturing the vein and switching out the needle for a tube to collect the blood.

“Next up is a nasal swab,” James declared, the aforementioned object in his hand. “I want to make sure you didn’t pick up a virus that could explain some of your symptoms. Tilt your head back for me?” Jack eyed the swab for a moment, but then did as he was told. He reacted much better to this, most likely because the object wasn’t threatening at all, but he still gripped Mac’s fingers a little harder when Mac offered him his hand to hold. “Okay, that’s done,” James said. “Let me grab the blood and do some tests.” He smiled. “No more poking for now.”

James went over to the picnic table with the equipment and Mac stayed with Jack, holding his hand in both of his. “You did really well,” he murmured, bringing Jack’s hand up so he could press a kiss to his knuckles, which were even more scarred than they were before. “Jack... once we find out what’s going on... do you want to tell the others?”

Jack swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” he whispered after a moment, keeping his gaze on their hands. “I guess I’ll... have to, eventually. But right now I can’t even _think_ about facing everyone, Riles especially. I know you said it would be okay, but I just... I can’t, Mac.”

“Okay,” Mac murmured, stroking his thumb over the back of Jack’s hand. “I’ll back your play no matter what, you know that.” He smiled, trying to keep his composure and failing miserably. “I’m just worried, Jack... and you should know that if you can’t go back to work or if you don’t want to... I’m not going back either.”

“What? No, Mac, you can’t do that,” Jack immediately protested. “The world needs you and your ideas, and your paperclips.” He smiled sadly. “And you’ve worked with Desi for three years, she’s clearly capable of keeping you safe. Plus...” He sighed. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You can’t just retire at the age of thirty.”

“Yeah, I can,” Mac countered, squeezing Jack’s hand and staring into his eyes. He never noticed it before, but the brown was speckled with flecks of gold. “I’ve got patents on some things that are pretty lucrative, and this house is paid for... plus if eighteen months of no Phoenix Foundation taught me anything, it’s that I can totally make it as a professor.”

“You hated that job,” Jack said quietly. “You said so in your texts.”

“No, I hated the lack of enthusiasm and the laziness,” Mac corrected him. “I enjoyed teaching. Maybe I could do it elsewhere, somewhere where I’d be more appreciated.”

“But you’d never love it as much you love working at the Phoenix,” Jack whispered. “I can’t make you—”

“Jack,” Mac interjected. “I love _you_ more.”

Jack’s eyes searched his face, surprise making his lips part. “You... you do?”

“Of course I do,” Mac said softly, leaning in to kiss him on the mouth, reveling in the way Jack returns the pressure instinctually. “And you wouldn’t be _making_ me do anything. Hell, maybe we could take a vacation or something. All I care about is that you’re as healthy as you can be.”

Jack kissed him again and closed his eyes, lingering a little. “I love you so much,” he whispered, and sighed. “It’s just... this job, it’s all I’ve ever done. First in the Army, then the CIA... I don’t know how to live without it.”

“Maybe you won’t have to,” Mac said, smiling a little. “And if you do, we’ll figure it out.”

He leaned in to kiss Jack again, but his dad’s voice stopped him. “Angus, can you come here for a sec?”

“Yeah, sure,” Mac replied, squeezing Jack’s hand one more time before he got up. He made his way over to the picnic table and sat down next to his dad, looking at the results of Jack’s blood tests. He frowned. “No abnormalities?”

“He’s a little anemic and his vitamin D is low, but those are probably due to poor diet and lack of sunlight,” James said, and clicked around on Mac’s computer. “It doesn’t seem like the drugs did any permanent damage to him... at least not physically.” He leaned back and looked at Mac worriedly. “I think it’s in his head.”

“That’s... if I had to choose, I think this is the outcome I prefer,” Mac said, glancing at the results again. “Physical permanent damage would’ve been irreversible... but maybe I can help him with his head.” He looked at Jack who was clearly tense and not trying to hide it, so he got up and went back to him. “Hey,” he said, and sat down next to him. Jack looked up, his eyes full of fear, so Mac grabbed his hand and squeezed hard. “Other than the lack of vitamine D and anemia, your results are fine. No permanent damage from the drugs.”

Jack exhaled harshly, sagging back against the chair like a balloon that was lost its air. “Okay, that’s... that’s good, right?”

“Right,” James said, coming over to join them. “I’d like to take a look at your knee, but other than that you’re in perfect health.” He paused. “Jack... this means that all those other symptoms you’re having are coming from your mind.”

Jack let out a humorless chuckle. “So what you’re sayin’ is my head’s even more fucked up,” he muttered, and sighed. “That’s just great.”

“Hey now,” Mac said, because it sounded like Jack was _angry_ with himself, and that wouldn’t do. “You’ve been through something traumatic and you’ve only been back for a month. It’s completely normal that all of that fucked you up a bit.” He swallowed hard. “But I’m gonna help you in any way I can and... we can work it out.”

Jack nodded, but he still looked doubtful. He rolled up the leg of his pants so James could see his knee, grasping harder at Mac’s hand as he started prodding at it. “I don’t think it’s fractured,” James declared, surprising Mac. “If you had a broken bone in your knee, you’d be screaming once I got anywhere near it. I think this is a bad sprain, and you need to be staying off your feet and icing it. A brace might help too.”

“Didn’t you have to wear one a few years back?” Mac asked, remembering one of the many missions that went wrong. “The brace should be in one of the boxes we brought from your old place.”

Jack wasn’t saying anything which was understandable—he was processing.

“I’m gonna clean up,” James suddenly said, pointing at the picnic table, and he walked away after giving Mac a look.

Smiling, Mac shifted closer to Jack and touched his cheek with his free hand. “Talk to me,” he said softly. “What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’m crazy?” Jack snapped, but looked regretful in the next instant. “I’m sorry, Mac, this... this ain’t your fault.” He leaned into Mac’s touch, lips brushing against his palm. “I’m just... trying not to fall apart, I guess.”

“You’re not crazy,” Mac said, keeping his voice as gentle as he could. He wasn’t bothered by a little anger from Jack, he was actually expecting it. “What did I just say about trauma? Also... maybe getting back on a regular sleep schedule will help.”

Jack scoffed. “Right. You saw what happens when I wake up, I completely lost it earlier _and_ I almost shot you.”

“Jack, your gun wasn’t even fully raised,” Mac argued. “You were not a threat, not even for a second. And how about we focus on the positives? Like how you slept through the entire night for the first time in a month?” He rubbed Jack’s cheek with his thumb. “No nightmares.”

Jack chewed on the inside of his cheek before he nodded a little. “I... guess that was good. Can’t depend on it every night, though.”

“No, but it’s a start,” Mac said, shifting to stand and tugging Jack to his feet too. “You know what else might help? Shaving your beard and cutting your hair. I like it the way it is... but I have a feeling that you don’t.”

“My hair’s a bit too long,” Jack agreed after a moment, leaning some of his weight on Mac. “And the beard is kinda pissing me off.”

“There you go,” Mac said, smiling a little and slowly walking Jack inside the house. “I’m sure you’ll feel better once you don’t look like a caveman.”

James was done putting all the equipment back in his car and went one step further, approaching them once they were inside with the knee brace Mac was thinking of earlier. “Found it in one of your boxes,” he said, holding it out. “Is there anything else I can do?”

“You’ve already done plenty,” Jack said, managing a smile. “Thank you, James.”

“No problem at all,” James said, and reached out to squeeze Jack’s shoulder. “If you need anything else, let me know.” He gestured at the door. “I’m gonna head home now, back to my puzzles.” He made a face and Mac couldn’t help but smile. “Your secret is safe with me... although I really hope Matty doesn’t call me today, it’s unbelievably hard to lie to that woman.”

“Fingers crossed,” Mac said, walking his dad to the door and locking it behind him once he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Welcome to the last chapter! Here you'll find more smut and a happy ending. :D Kaja is in the process of posting our fix it fic for 5x05, and I'll be back with another story soon!

He headed back over to Jack and wrapped his arms around his neck. He was suddenly reminded that they were both half naked when their chests brushed together. “So... do you want to shave yourself? Or would you like some help?”

Jack looked at him for a moment before tentatively putting his hands on his hips. “That depends,” he said quietly. “Do you know how to shave with a straight razor? Because I don’t use anything else... and I could use some help. Wouldn’t want to slit my throat when my hand suddenly starts trembling.”

“Actually, I _do_ know how to use one,” Mac said, smiling a little. “My grandfather shaved with one, and that was how he taught me to shave.” When Jack raised his eyebrows, Mac rolled his eyes. “Yes, I do occasionally have to shave. Not as often as you, but still.” He stepped back and tugged him toward the bathroom. “C’mon, we’ll do your hair first—I have some electric clippers.”

“You sure you didn’t turn them into a walkie-talkie or somethin’?” Jack asked, and Mac couldn’t help but smile fondly.

He hoped that Jack teasing like that was another tiny step toward him getting better. “I’m sure,” he replied, and once they were in the bedroom he moved the stool that was usually in the corner to the middle, setting it in front of the mirror. “Sit down.” When Jack did as he was told Mac started searching the drawers, making a triumphant sounds when he located the clippers. Mac sat down behind Jack on the edge of the bathtub, settling a hand on his shoulder before he turned the clippers on. “How short do you want it?”

“You can buzz it down to like a half-inch,” Jack said, and even with Mac’s hand on him he still flinched when the clippers buzzed to life.

He didn’t move when Mac passed them over his head, though, so that was a good sign. He rubbed the skin on his shoulder with his thumb as he continued cutting his hair. “It’s like trimming a schnauzer,” he commented, watching the hair fall down to the floor, and he smiled when Jack made an indignant sound. “I mean it, man. Even the hair color is similar.”

“Seriously, dude? Couldn’t you have picked a tough dog?” Jack lamented.

Mac snickered, continuing to trim down his hair and making sure everything was even. “Hey, schnauzers are plenty tough. One of them bit me in the ass when I was twelve and I couldn’t sit down right for like a month.” He brushed the excess hair off Jack’s skin before he stood up, turning the clippers off and putting them away. “Here, I’ll push the chair toward the tub, that way you can lean against it while I shave you.”

Jack got up so that Mac could rearrange everything and then he sat back down. “Did you take your razor with you or is it somewhere with your things? Or I could use mine, if that’s okay with you.”

“I didn’t take it with me, no,” Jack said. “It means a lot to me and I was afraid I’d lose it. We can use yours, though.” Nodding, Mac reached into the top drawer and found the razor easily, smiling when Jack let out a whistle. “This is nice.”

“Right? Harry had a story that went along with it,” Mac said, pulling out the shaving cream as well. He got Jack’s beard wet and spread a thin layer of it on his face, not wanting to even risk cutting him. “Apparently he bought it when he was in the army during the Vietnam War. He was the only guy in his company that bothered shaving, and he even used it to cut through some vines when his machete broke.”

“Sounds badass,” Jack commented, smiling a little. “Wish I could’ve met the guy.”

“He would’ve loved you,” Mac replied, opening the razor and raising his hand. “You ready?” Jack eyed the blade for a second, but then he nodded, so Mac slowly touched his skin with the razor and started gently shaving him. His eyes closed after a moment, and Mac’s chest ached when he saw the lines of pain and tension around his eyes ease. “Thank you for trusting me,” he murmured, reaching the edge of Jack’s jaw and pulling the razor back to wipe it on a towel. This was... much more intimate than he was expecting, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. “I know that can’t be easy for you right now, so... I appreciate it.”

“You’re the person I trust the most,” Jack said quietly, and Mac had to force his hands to stay steady. “As a matter of fact, right now you’re probably the only person I trust. That’s why I... called you last night. And why I was willing to meet with you for breakfast.” He smiled a little. “And why I came over here... although I obviously had other reasons as well.”

Mac’s mouth quirked up. “Oh yeah? Was one of those other reasons me being an idiot who didn’t delete his nudes from his phone after he broke up with his girlfriend?”

“Did you delete Desi’s?” Jack asked, and when Mac nodded he continued, “Then that’s all you need to worry about—it’d be creepy as hell if you kept naked pictures of her once you guys ended it.”

After a beat of silence interrupted only by the scrape of the razor, Mac said, “Jack, I can feel your hand in my pocket. Hate to disappoint you, but my phone’s charging in the kitchen. No nudes for you.”

“You know what, I don’t need your nudes,” Jack murmured, sliding his hand out of Mac’s pocket... and moving both hands around to his ass. “Not when I get the real thing.”

“Jack,” Mac warned with a smile. “If I were you, I’d stop trying to feel me up, otherwise I may cut you.”

“That’s a price I’m willing to pay,” Jack told him, his voice a low rumble that made Mac feel hot all over. “Also... I must admit, you didn’t strike me as the type of person that would send nudes.”

“I’m usually not,” Mac admitted, his smile widening when Jack’s fingers just started... exploring. Over his lower back, his ass, his hips... it was like Jack was amazed he got to touch him, and Mac knew how that felt. He touched a finger to Jack’s chin to get him to tilt his head back and carefully dragged the razor down half of his neck. “Desi and I got drunk one night and... well, Riley secures our phones, it seemed harmless.”

“Mhmm, it was,” Jack whispered, and Mac’s breath hitched when Jack’s fingers hooked over the waistband of his sweatpants. “Who knew you’d mess up and accidentally send the picture to someone else?”

“Well, certainly not me,” Mac managed to say, his hand trembling. “You’re playing with fire here, Jack.”

“I’ve never been afraid of getting burned,” Jack commented, and that shouldn’t turn Mac on as much as it did. “But you should probably finish shaving me.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Mac deadpanned, but he was smiling, he couldn’t help it. He wiped the razor and moved on to the other side of Jack’s face. “So when I’m done shaving you... did you have anything in mind?”

“Well, I spent years fantasizing about being with you, no matter how creepy it sounds,” Jack said, and Mac had to stifle a groan. “But in the end what we do or don’t do... it’s entirely up to you.”

Mac tried to ignore the way his heart fluttered and he focused on shaving Jack. “Well...” he started, clearing his throat. “How about you tell me what you had in mind and then... we’ll see?”

“The way I’ve always imagined it...” Jack started, his voice taking on an almost wistful quality, hands squeezing Mac’s waist. “We’d go to bed together and take things slow... you were always underneath me, but we can change that around if you’d be more comfortable. And I always thought about tasting every inch of your skin, learning all the sounds you make... this all sounding good?”

Mac swallowed hard and stops shaving Jack when his hand trembled too much. “Y-yeah,” he replied, his voice cracking. “It sounds g-great.”

Jack’s hands were hot and heavy on his waist, squeezing it lightly, and Mac was barely holding it together... but there was something he needed to finish first. Taking a deep breath, he went back to shaving Jack and a moment later he dragged the razor down his skin for the last time and wiped his face with the towel. Mac stood up when he was done, turning around to rinse the razor in the sink. He sucked in a sharp breath when Jack stood up and wrapped his arms around him from behind, pressing his lips to Mac’s shoulder.

“I wanna make something very clear,” he murmured, mouth brushing Mac’s neck next. “We don’t have to do a damn thing you’re not comfortable with, okay? Just being near you makes me feel like the luckiest man alive.”

“I know that,” Mac said, tilting his head to give Jack more access to his neck. “That we don’t have to do anything, I mean. Although it’s nice to know you feel like that.” He smiled when Jack chuckled against his neck, teeth scraping over his skin. “But here’s the thing, Jack... I really want to... be with you like this. I might’ve... never done this, but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about it.”

Jack nuzzled at his jaw, kissing that skin next. When Mac turned in his arms he smiled too, sliding one hand up Mac’s back to tangle in his hair. “Okay, so we’ll figure it out as we go,” Jack told him, hugging him closer. “That sound good to you?”

“It sounds perfect,” Mac said, leaning in to kiss Jack on the mouth. “But let’s get in bed before we fool around, okay? I don’t want to risk you getting hurt.”

“How romantic,” Jack teased, and Mac was happy to see that there was this... spark in Jack’s eyes, one that was missing before.

“You said I was good at unconventional romance,” Mac said, and smiled, kissing Jack again before rearranging them so that he could help Jack walk back to the bedroom. “But if you prefer, we can watch _Die Hard_ instead. Or listen to some Metallica or country.”

“What about Metallica _and_ country?” Jack suggested, wiggling his eyebrows and smiling when Mac laughed. “Nah, that sounds heinous even to me.”

They climbed into bed and laid on their sides facing each other, their noses almost touching. “This is... nice,” Mac whispered, reaching up to run his fingers across the newly smooth skin of Jack’s cheek. “Not that last night wasn’t... but it’s better now that I know you feel the same way.”

“I’m really sorry about that,” Jack murmured, sliding his hand up Mac’s forearm to wrap his fingers around his wrist, thumb rubbing over the bone. “I should’ve talked to your first.”

“It’s okay, Jack.” Mac smiled, leaning closer to nuzzle at Jack’s nose. “I could’ve stopped you to talk to you as well, and I didn’t. What matters is that we’re on the same page now.”

“I love you,” Jack said, his eyes brimming with emotion, and he leaned in for a kiss before Mac could say it back.

It was a series of soft, slow pressed of their lips, parting and coming back together like they’d been doing this for years. Jack’s hand traveled up from Mac’s wrist to his shoulder, rubbing at it for a moment before he touched his cheek. Mac slid his hand down Jack’s chest and then put it on his waist, pressing himself even closer to him. The kiss slowly grew more heated and Jack made a sound in the back of his throat when Mac licked over his lower lip and slipped his tongue into his mouth.

He felt Jack’s other hand on his back between his shoulder blades, rough and yet incredibly gentle at the same time, and he moaned softly, hooking one leg over Jack’s hip. The next thing Mac knew he was being rolled on to his back and Jack was on top of him, the kiss turning passionate. It reminded him of what happened last night and a shudder ran through Mac’s body, an embarrassing whine leaving his throat as he held Jack as close as he could.

Jack’s mouth broke away from his a moment later, lips brushing over Mac’s jaw and the bruise over his birthmark. “Okay so far?”

“Of course,” Mac replied breathlessly, running his hands up and down Jack back, careful not to press on his scars too hard. He moaned softly when Jack nipped at his birthmark before moving to his throat, biting down a little harder and sucking another bruise on over his pulse point.

“Fuck, Mac,” Jack groaned against his skin. “You’re so beautiful.”

A pleasant thrill ran through Mac when he heard those words, because even if he didn’t believe them it was clear that Jack did, and that meant everything. He ran a hand down Jack’s back... and palmed his ass, giving one cheek a light squeeze. “You’re not so bad yourself,” he replied hoarsely, smiling when Jack actually _whimpered_. “Think maybe we could take off our pants?”

“Absolutely,” Jack groaned, and lifted his hips, kicking his pajama pants down when Mac tugged them low enough. Then he attached his lips to Mac’s collarbone and slid his hand down his chest and abs, hooking his fingers over the waistband of his pants. Mac was very eager to get them off and almost kicked Jack in the process, but he didn’t even have time to be embarrassed about it because his brain shut off when their cocks brushed together.

He moaned his appreciation and hooked his leg over Jack’s hip again, the friction enough to drive him insane. He pulled Jack in for another kiss, this one mostly tongues and teeth and shared breath. “So what happens next?” Mac asked when they broke apart, framing Jack’s face with his hands. “In your fantasy, I mean. You said you thought about it a lot.”

Jack groaned and pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes for a moment. “As I mentioned earlier...” he murmured, and then he shifted, kissing Mac’s cheek, then his collarbone. “Kissing every inch of you is definitely on my to-do list.”

“Oh yeah?” Mac asked breathlessly, moaning when Jack’s teeth scraped over his nipple and then Jack sucked on it. “I hope that... I’m also one of the things you’re planning to _do_.”

Jack paused, lifting his head to look Mac in the eye. “Is that... something you’d want?” he asked, tone suddenly gone serious. “Me to... _do_ you? Like... all the way?”

“Well... yeah?” Mac replied, brows furrowing. “Just because I’ve never had sex with a guy before doesn’t mean I’ve never had anything up my ass.”

Jack choked and stared at him with wide eyes, chuckling once he could breathe again. “You’re... god, I love you,” he breathed out, leaning down to suck on Mac’s other nipple. “So... what exactly have you done before?” he asked, his voice once again dropping to that low rumble that made Mac’s cock twitch.

“I... I’ve put my fingers up there,” Mac said, that traitorous blush returning to his cheeks. “It felt good after a while, but not like... enough.”

Jack shuddered against him, mouth ghosting over his abdomen, tiny pressed of his lips causing Mac’s muscles to twitch. “You have no idea how hot that is, do you?” he asked, fingers squeezing at Mac’s hips.

“It... it is?” Mac asked, gasping when Jack kept moving lower, sucking a bruise into his hip. He had no idea how him talking about fingering himself could be hot, but he didn’t have enough brain power to think about it.

“Fuck yes,” Jack groaned, fingers wrapping around the base of Mac’s cock as he sucked another bruise into his other hip. “So hot, baby.”

Mac’s hips twitched, he couldn’t help it, and he moaned when Jack put an arm across his waist so he couldn’t move. He could if he _really_ wanted to, of course, but such a casual display of strength was so hot that he didn’t want to. Before he could wonder what Jack’s next move was going to be, he was letting out a shout of pleasure as Jack’s lips wrap around the head of his cock. He sucked on it for a moment before sinking lower until his lips met his fingers around the base. Mac let out a loud moan and stared at the ceiling, hands twisting in the bedsheets on either side of his hips. He felt Jack hum around him and nudge his thigh with his elbow, so he looked down again... and Jack _winked_ before taking his hand of his cock and taking it all down his throat.

“Oh fuck,” Mac gasped out, trying and failing to move his hips into the tight warm heat around his cock. One of his hands came up to rub over Jack’s head, suddenly wishing it was still longer so he could tug on it with his fingers. His other hand went to the side of Jack’s neck, thumb moving frantically over his jaw as he swallowed around Mac’s length. “Jack, _Jack_ , that’s so good.” Jack only hummed in response and swallowed around him again, and suddenly Mac realized that if he wasn’t careful, this would be over before it even started. “J-Jack,” he moaned when Jack started bobbing his head up and down. “Oh fuck, I—Jack, if you don’t want this to end too soon, you should come back up here.”

Jack glanced up at him and pulled off slowly, his lips leaving Mac’s cock with an obscene sound as he crawled up Mac’s body. He kissed him slow and filthy, making Mac groan when he tasted himself on his tongue. “You sure you wanna do this?” Jack asked when he pulls back, fingertips stroking over Mac’s cheek. “We don’t have to, darlin’. Only if you’re ready.”

“But I _really_ want to, Jack,” Mac said, but then suddenly something occurred to him. “Wait... _you_ want this too, right?” he asked, his heart pounding nervously. “Because if you don’t that’s fine! We can do whatever you want, or if you’re in too much pain we don’t have to do anything, I just thought—”

Jack silenced him with a kiss, the look on his face nothing but fond. “Of course I wanna do this, Mac,” he said gently. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re... comfortable.” He smiled, but it wasn’t a happy expression. “My first time with a dude wasn’t all that great.”

Mac frowned and framed Jack’s face with his hands, rubbing the skin under his eyes with his thumbs. “What do you mean?” His eyes widened. “Wait, you didn’t—”

“It was all consensual,” Jack interjected, brushing Mac’s hair with his fingers. “But... he didn’t really care about anything other than himself.”

Mac kissed Jack soundly and held him close for a moment, nuzzling at his cheek. “Well I know you’re not like that,” he said, lacing his fingers against the back of Jack’s neck. “So if you’re good with doing this... then so am I. The lube’s in my nightstand.”

Jack exhaled shakily and kissed the corner of his mouth before reaching for the nightstand. He opened the drawer and searched for the lube, finding it a moment later and tossing it on the mattress along with a box of condoms. “If you wanna stop just tell me,” he said softly, opening the lube and pouring some on his fingers. “I’ll stop right away and I won’t be upset or anything, okay?”

“Okay,” Mac agreed, affection swelling in his chest. He spread his legs a little more, drawing his knees up, but he couldn’t help but suck in a sharp breath when he felt Jack’s slick finger circle his entrance. “That’s... weird. Not bad, but the angle’s definitely different.”

“Try to relax, okay?” Jack murmured, kissing his cheek, then his jaw and neck.

When Mac nodded he put more pressure... and slowly slid his finger inside him. Mac gasped and gripped Jack’s shoulders, his lips parting as he tried to get used to the intrusion, and he decided to focus on the feeling of Jack’s lips on his skin. That combined with Jack’s smell—a mix of gunpowder and leather that always seemed to cling to him—helped Mac to calm down, and he chewed the inside of his cheek as Jack slowly worked his finger back and forth. His mouth was skimming over all of Mac’s skin that it could reach, sending pleasant little tingles up and down Mac’s spine.

“Still okay?” Jack asked softly, and Mac nodded, slowly getting used to the feeling.

After a moment Jack added a second finger and Mac gasped loudly, gripping Jack’s shoulders even tighter. “Oh, Jack,” he moaned breathlessly, and then cried out when Jack curled his fingers and found his prostate, waves of pleasure washing over him. “That f-feels good.”

“Good,” Jack rumbled near his ear, nuzzling at his throat a second later. “You’re so gorgeous, baby. And you feel so good inside, I can’t wait to have you around me.”

Mac moaned when he heard those words and Jack scissored his fingers apart at the same time, arching a little off the bed. He slid a third finger in alongside the first two and crooked them, rubbing over his prostate again. Mac let out a broken moan and his hips twitched, trying to fuck himself down on Jack’s fingers. “J-Jack,” he whined, turning his head and pressing his lips to his ear. “I... I think I’m ready, I—please.”

“Okay, baby,” Jack whispered, and kissed Mac’s cheek and then his lips as he withdrew his fingers.

Then Mac saw him reach for the box of condoms that was on the mattress and before he knew what he was doing, he grabbed Jack’s wrist. “We... we don’t have to? Maybe?” When Jack looked at him with wide eyes and didn’t say anything, Mac swallowed hard and continued nervously, “I mean... I’m clean and everything. If you’d rather—” He was cut off by Jack diving down to kiss him, his clean hand holding Mac’s face.

“You’re fucking perfect,” Jack said when he pulled back enough to speak. “And I can’t believe you want to be with me like that... but I ain’t about to say no.”

“I want everything with you,” Mac said softly, not caring how cheesy he sounded. “I love you and I trust you.”

“I love you too,” Jack whispered, kissing Mac again and reaching for the lube. He coated his cock with it and then settled between Mac’s legs and lined himself up. Mac inhaled sharply when he felt the blunt pressure of Jack’s cock against his entrance and then Jack slowly started pushing in. Mac’s lips parted and he couldn’t help but tense a little, but Jack ran one hand up and down his side, his lips pressed against Mac’s ear. “Relax, baby,” he whispered. “It’s just me.”

Mac let out a sigh and focused on the sound of Jack’s voice murmuring nonsense into his ear, wrapping his arms around his neck and allowing himself to sink into the mattress. Jack slipped one arm underneath Mac’s lower back and that changed the angle so he could get inside him a little easier. Soon their hips were flush together and Mac was a shivering mess in Jack’s arms because he’d never felt so full in his life—and so _safe_ at the same time.

Jack had his face buried in Mac’s neck and he tightened his arm around him, hugging him even closer. “You okay?” he asked in a strained voice, and Mac could feel how he trembles, probably in an effort to stay still.

“I’m okay,” Mac whispered, hooking one leg over Jack’s hip. “You... you can move. Just...” He swallowed hard. “Slow?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Jack breathed out, and Mac felt goosebumps against his palms where he was touching Jack’s skin.

He drew his hips back carefully before pushing forward again, and just that little movement was enough to have them both moaning. He repeated the motion a few times, setting up a steady rhythm that made Mac gasp and cry out against his ear. It felt so much better than anything Mac ever imagined or expected. Jack’s weight pinned him down in the best way and every thrust of his hips was perfect and incredible.

“Jack, oh god,” Mac whimpered when Jack found his prostate, crying out loudly when his next thrust was a little harder. “Oh god, yes, _Jack_.”

“Shit, baby,” Jack said, his voice gone rough and crackling with emotion. “I love you so much.”

His movements got faster, his free hand planted flat on the mattress next to Mac’s head to give him leverage. He found Mac’s prostate again and groaned when he clenched down around him, mouth open and panting right below Mac’s ear. Mac could already tell without a doubt that he’d never felt that good in his entire life and that that was the best sex he’d ever had. Jack’s thrusts were hard and fast—not as hard and fast as they could be, Mac was sure—and the pleasure was almost too overwhelming, but Mac never wanted it to stop. He knew it wasn’t possible, especially since he felt the familiar feeling coil low in his stomach and he knew it wouldn’t take much longer for him to fall over the edge.

Luckily Jack seemed to be just as close to losing it as Mac was, if the way his movements stuttered and faltered was any indication. “I’m almost there, darlin’,” he groaned into Mac’s ear, and then he was pulling his arm out from under Mac so he could wrap his hand around his cock. “C’mon, wanna see you come for me.”

Mac moaned brokenly, sobbing in pleasure when Jack started stroking him fast, matching the movement of his hand with the rhythm of his thrusts. “Jack,” he whimpered, wrapping his arms around his neck to pull him even closer, his hips twitching between the pressure of his cock and the touch of his hand.

It only took a moment for him to shout Jack’s name and come harder than ever before, his vision going white as he arched off the mattress, come spurting all over Jack’s hand and his stomach. Jack made a cracking, animalistic sound and thrust into him hard a few more times before he came too. He shifted to hold Mac with both arms as he rode it out, hips twitching and stuttering as he filled Mac up with warm, sticky come. His face was buried in Mac’s throat and when he finally stilled he let out a noise that was close to a sob and held Mac tighter.

Mac stared at the ceiling with wide eyes as he tried to catch his breath, his chest heaving. He was pretty sure his brain got permanently broken and he didn’t give a damn about it, feeling warmer and safer than ever. He moved his arms and wrapped them around Jack’s back, hugging him closer when he felt him shiver. “Hey,” he whispered, turning his head to press his lips to Jack’s temple. “Are you okay?”

“Mhmm,” Jack mumbled, nuzzling at Mac’s skin, kissing at his jaw. “I’m better than okay, baby. I’m fucking amazing.” He leaned back to look Mac in the eye and winced a little. “Except for my knee, it’s not too happy about what we just did.” He shifted enough to pull out and settled back on top of Mac, kissing his cheek this time. “What about you? Are you good?”

“Yeah, I am,” Mac whispered. “That was... incredible. Best sex of my life.” He smiled when Jack chuckled and held him tightly, pressing a kiss to his forehead instead. “We’re definitely doing that again. And again.”

“I love your enthusiasm, darlin’,” Jack mumbled, his breath warm on Mac’s neck. “Wish my knee would get on board.” A pause. “Maybe I should wear the brace during sex.”

Mac laughed. “Yeah, then I can pretend you’re a cyborg,” he said, boneless muscles aching pleasantly. They lapsed into silence for a moment and then Mac swept a hand down Jack’s spine, careful not to mess with his scars. “Whatever’s going on in your head, Jack... we’ll figure it out together. I promise.”

Jack exhaled shakily. “I hope you’re right,” he whispered, lips moving against Mac’s skin. “Because the idea of... being like this forever terrifies me.”

“I know,” Mac whispered back. “But I also know you, and you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. If anyone can fight this and win... it’s you.” He put one hand on the back of Jack’s neck, rubbing the skin with his thumb. “And I’m going to help you in any way I can.”

“You already are,” Jack said, his voice a low rumble that Mac felt where their chests were pressed together. “Everything you’ve done already... it’s helped me more than you can imagine, Mac.” He brought a hand up to touch Mac’s cheek, thumb sweeping over the skin under his eye. “You’re amazing, darlin’. Like sunshine on a cloudy day.”

“I think you’re giving me more credit than I deserve,” Mac said, unable to hold back a smile. “But I’m glad that I’m helping.”

“If anything, I don’t give you enough credit,” Jack protested, lifting his head and kissing Mac’s cheek. “I mean it, baby, you’re... my sunshine. My light in the dark, and you’ve been that ever since the Sandbox.” He smiled. “You’ve been helping me with my clouds for a very long time.”

Mac grinned at him, that idea warming him from the inside out. “That... makes me very happy,” he said, scratching his fingernails over the short hair on the back of Jack’s head. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Jack murmured, and when he pressed their lips together in a kiss, Mac felt like despite all the uncertainty, everything was going to be okay.


End file.
